Family Vacation

It is spring break. We are at a fabulous tropical resort......balmy breeze, watching another beautiful sunset into the ocean, as we wait for dinner.
Families are all emerging, freshly showered after another lazy day at the beach.
The little boys were all dressed the same. khaki shorts, light blue button downs, belts and smoothed combed hair. The little girls, equally as groomed, precious in their blue and white striped seersucker dresses and mary janes, adorable hair combed to the side complete with a matching bow. If that weren’t enough, the Dad then walks by dressed identically to the little boys. So beautiful, all heads turned. The mom in coordinating color as well. The picture perfect family. Photos were taken - a snapshot of time to be remembered and treasured.
Oh those sweet days.....all parents can relate.
After the photos were completed, the children were then handed over to the sitter and the parents went their separate way - AGAIN. In fact, this was about the only time we actually saw the family all together. We saw a lot of the parents, just not with their children. The childcare seemed to be the most bustling place at the resort, and it looked excellent i might add, the sitters always appeared to be engaged with the children.
I am not saying a break now and then on a family vacation isn’t perhaps sometimes needed. But the key word is FAMILY vacation.
Something to think about.

Balance

We as a family have come off of an incredibly exciting couple of weeks. Our high school daughter was the lead in her school musical. And then two weeks later out middle school son was the lead in his. To call this a blessing is a huge understatement. And this is the second year in a row that this has happened!
These are our favorite weekends - special beyond words.....no plans except to see the plays, share these moments with out family and friends. The letdown when both musicals were over was huge. Time slows in a way, yet is over much to fast.
So yes, i guess one would say our children are achievers despite the fact that they have grown up differently than many of their friends. . They get good grades, play sports and are musical as well, and i am guessing they must be talented beyond just my prejudiced mom thoughts as is evidenced by the roles they both achieved.
We believe there are alternate ways to empower our children other than endless lessons and overscheduling. Our children have activities. But they also have downtime, family time and a limit on their screen time. We still play board games, go on family outings and as you know, have frequent family dinners. Not as often as we used to, of course, but these rituals are still part of our fabric. Balance. Space to allow them to fall and learn and grow. To just “be” and not have every moment scheduled.
My husband and i have taken this “job” of rearing our children seriously. We have given our family the gift of time, both quantity AND quality.
It is really amazing and gratifying to see these seeds we have planted sprout and grow.....when children are little, you have no idea where these seeds you have planted and cultivated will lead your children. It is awesome to experience this now as they get older.
Enjoy!

Slow Down

I often feel like an alien.
I believe hugely in downtime, family time including meals together most nights. My kids have not grown up with cable TV(gasp, right?), their phones are left in our mudroom when they walk in the door and thus they actually make and receive calls on our landline. They spend a lot of time outside and we often still take family walks around the block. Screen time is limited...all are avid readers as a result. I am also a huge believer in being healthy and that includes sleep and lots of it! However, I also believe in them getting good grades, being involved in activities and sports as well as in our temple. Yes of course there are times where they have homework overload - or an extracurricular activity takes over for a time. The key for us is BALANCE. And for the most part, i feel we have achieved just that.
My husband and i went to a showing last week of a film called Race To Nowhere. To say it was powerful and quite disturbing, would be an understatement. While watching the film, i turned to my husband and said, I am not an alien.
If you have not heard of it, it is a documentary about our country’s children....the stress they are under to get into colleges, how over scheduled between constant homework and activities. No downtime or time just to play and be creative. Most are involved in sports, community service, music in some form while at the same time, are expected to maintain perfect grades. . It is often not enough to excel in just one area. What often begins as an interest becomes a barrage of lessons so the child can be the “best.” These interests are then no longer enjoyable. The film exhibits interview of parents, teachers and kids.....raw honest and compelling.
I urge you to see this movie, share it with your friends and live it in your own home. Let’s allow our children to be children and not burn them out before they reach adulthood.

Travel!!!

My children are 3, 7 and 9. We are traveling to Banff, Canada....a place a great distance from our mid-western home and one many with young children would never even attempt. Was it a long travel? Yes! Did everything go smoothly? Of course there were some bumps along the way. However, this and our many other travels have taught my children priceless life lessons....not only about the many wonderful places there are in this big beautiful world, different cultures, different languages, foods and more. There are other lessons just as important, such as patience, flexibility and that the hassle of travel is the price one pays sometimes for the amazing experiences and memories that we have amassed. A small price they have all concluded. Learning how to deal when things occur that they cannot control....a life lesson we can all use!
Travel does not always have to be to far away places. There are many places within driving distance or in your own backyard. Take the kids to the art museum. musicals, zoos, concerts, exhibits, restaurants, sporting events, movies, ice skating, bowling or whatever. The point is to just take them places - expose them to the many arts, to dining out, to your cities attractions and activities. Our children learned at a very young age how to act in each of these various venues. How many times have we all heard parents say they cant take their children anywhere as they always misbehave? How any times have we witnessed this? Yet if parents never take their children anywhere, how will they ever learn how to act in public?
These experiences are each a treasured pieces of the fabric that bind us as a family. Each adventure has generated numerous discussions......
for instance a certain combination dancing and musical act, none of us really wild about it, yet all could appreciate the “art” aspect of it and that art is subjective, right? After all, that’s what makes it art, right?
So turn off the electronics and explore all this world has to offer.....and enjoy!

Trust Yourself

When i gave birth to my first baby, i fell in complete and total love, so gigantic, it felt like my heart would burst. I cried with emotion every time i looked at her sweet peaceful face. The sheer depth of this love was indescribable really, a miracle i couldn’t fathom until i experienced it myself. The world became a different place and no one can tell you what it feels like. But when it happens, you FINALLY get it. You are a member of a new club in a way. Every mom out there is nodding right now - no need to say more.
The camaraderie of other moms going through this same experience is priceless and much needed, yet I, for one, would never ever trade the isolation that being the mother of a newborn incites.
Now granted, there weren’t computers in the early nineties when i had my first precious baby. And for that, i am thankful. If i had a question or concern i either
A) picked up one of my many parenting books.
B) called a friend or my mom. Or...
C) called the doctor.
Sharing every waking second of my baby’s early days, i feel, would have taken tremendous time away from this life-changing experience. I remember feeling almost cocooned, removed from the outside world and thrown into a whole new realm, totally foreign to my being......It felt scary and exciting. Being completely responsible for the care and protection of this small, helpless human being was daunting. I had no idea what i was doing. I didn’t even know how to change a diaper. It was certainly different from changing one on the doll in the Baby 101 class my husband and i enrolled in......the little legs certainly weren’t kicking wildly on the doll!
Was it isolating? Yes to a degree. Did the days sometimes feel long? Of course. But what is wrong with that??
I was forced to learn as i went, make errors and often overprotective decisions that i now laugh at, but in doing so, i gained my own sense of competence and a confidence and trust in myself were evident. I CAN do this! When i emerged (it felt like an emergence ) from this incredible period of time, it felt like a rite of passage. I was now somebody’s mommy, the most important and humbling role i could ever imagine or dream of.
Some feel that they have to “share” every minute detail, from bowel movements to every facet of how their breast feel. Just look at the internet and it is all there and much more. Yet, precious moments are often missed or not fully experienced while this over sharing takes place.
Yes, we live in a time of constant connection, overload in many ways, and the pull of that keyboard is hard to ignore for many.
But that peaceful blissful time with a newborn is a true gift, not to be taken for granted as it passes in the blink of an eye
So just try turning off the electronics.......and fully and completely experience this irreplaceable special time.
Trust me.....it goes by quickly!

My Music

My daughter is in her room, her beautiful voice lifting as she belts out one of her favorite songs.
My son is strumming his guitar, his voice rising above the notes as he tries to master the difficult task of singing while playing.
I pause, listen........ and smile.
Yet, as much as this fills me, and believe me, it does fill me, there is another kind of music that is my treasure as much if not more.
It is morning.......
My oldest daughter’s footsteps stomp across the hardwood floor. the light switch flicking on. my husbands keys jingling. the toilet flushing. running water. teeth being brushed. more stomping. squeaky closet doors opening. one child skips down the stairs. one shuffles. one drags. cereal bowls hit the counter. the swoosh of milk being poured. dishes clanking into the dishwasher (this only happens sometimes.)
The happy sounds of our morning.... everyday sounds but oh so precious.
i pause and listen.....and smile.
The sounds of our life together.
My music.

Let Them Be

My dear friend told me a story recently . Her daughter took her best friend to play golf one summer day. The best friend had never picked up a golf club in her life, but enjoyed playing that day, even though she was not versed in the game. The next thing my friend heard , the girl was taking lessons daily, at some far away place as there were not a lot of public golf courses where they lived. Suddenly a fun activity was no longer for fun but a flurry of private lessons and tournaments. This girl had also at various points in her young life had the same experience with swimming, soccer, basketball, guitar, piano and volleyball.......each of these activities eventually abandoned for her next “talent. ”
When did it become, that a chid shows an interest or a liking for a sport or activity and suddenly it goes from enjoyment to obsession? What happened to just allowing our children to do something because it is plain fun? The sheer joy that so many of us felt as children has been stripped from this generation by parents so eager for their child to be the “best” at whatever it is they may show the least bit of inclination.
Another friend’s son played on a baseball team. All of the kids were about the same level of play. But there was one boy who was not. And did he hear it from his dad who stood glued to the fence, berating his son at every moment. Telling him how to stand, when to swing. How could anyone concentrate under those circumstances? It was painful to witness the verbal assault on this poor child who was clearly trying, but could never measure up to the dad’s clearly unrealized dream. The boy’s slumped posture and lack of eye contact spoke volumes. And then there was another boy on the team who was amazing. But if he made an error, again the wrath of his father was something to be seen, often reducing this otherwise tough chid to tears on the field.
As many of you know, the characters may vary but the story remains the same....day in and day out.
Don’t misunderstand this message, keeping children engaged and interested in extracurricular activities is imperative in their social development, also keeping them busy and engaged thus limiting the time to be involved in negative behaviors.
But the truth of the matter is - most of our kids are average and aren’t going to be the next Babe Ruth. And that is okay.
We as parents need to accept and embrace our children, loving them for who they are not for who we wish them to be. And yes, sometimes a push IS necessary to help a child realize their potential. But keep in mind, there is a point where encouragement and support turns into obsession.
Can we allow our kids the freedom to experience their sports and activities for pleasure and enjoyment? Allow them the discovery of their true passions and talents that lie within, without invoking our own agendas on them? Allow them to take the lead when taking a talent to the next level?