Listen

“Mommy i need to tell you something!”

just a second honey. let me just finish this one last e-mail (phone call, facebook, text --you fill in the blank)

Put down your phone, your Ipad, your blackberry....whatever device is occupying you at the moment.

Look your precious child in the eye and really listen when they talk. 

Hear what they say........ give them your undivided attention......be present......

Because someday they may just stop talking ....

A New World

Loader...... Backhoe...... Dump Truck....... Bobcat........Digger........
Before my precious son came into my world, i had no idea that there were SO many names of construction trucks. To say that he was obsessed with them is an understatement. Driving was an adventure, the fun we had identifying them. He knew the names of each one, and could spot them from far away. And seeing a double trailer was a fabulous bonus.
A simple walk around the block could turn into an activity whenever there was construction in our neighborhood. My son never tired of watching these trucks, and the men in them , do their jobs. This led to books about trucks, songs about trucks, and toy trucks galore.....even a room decorated with trucks painted on the wall.
A whole new world that i never even knew existed.
And one i feel so blessed to now be privy to.

Time or Things

What do you think your children would rather have?? Time together........or things?
When they look back at their childhood, do you think they will cherish what you bought them or what you did with them?
If you were present at their sporting or arts events, or whether you brought them presents to make up for not being there?
Not much more to say on the subject......just a little food for thought.

Strict?

i ran into an old friend from high school. He told me that he had heard i was a strict parent.
When did not allowing underage drinking, nor condoning it become known as strict and not the norm?
Besides the fact that the teenage brain is still developing and not equipped to handle alcohol.
Or the fact that statistics show that those who drink at a young age are several times more likely to abuse alcohol.
Or even the recent study that shows that parents who “allow” underage drinking is backfiring on them in that these kids are at much higher risk of having alcohol issues later in life.
Not to mention the fact it IS illegal!
I see these parents who are more concerned with their kids being popular than instilling solid values. They provide the alcohol so the kids will congregate at their homes. They feel as long as they take the keys away from these underage drinkers and don’t allow them to drive, they are responsible parents.
Yes we seem to be the minority.
Yet to me, not supporting underage drinking doesn’t make me a strict parent, it makes me a smart, caring one.

Read....and never stop

Our nightly ritual. The books are chosen from our library of many, my lap occupied, the reading begins.
You hear it stated over and over again.....read to your kids from the time they are babies to instill that lifelong love of literature.
So simple and yet so true.
And no excuses. It doesn’t matter how tired you are or that you have unfinished work or a pile of waiting laundry.
Or that you have read the same book the last ten nights in a row because it is the current favorite.... take the time anyway.
When our children were babies, and too little to understand, the gentle cadence of the words was soothing and the bonding priceless. As they grew, the pictures captured their attention. The little hands pointing, touching.
And that moment they read on their own is one that no parent EVER forgets!
But don’t stop there. Keep reading to them. Or read together, one page by you and the next, your child.
We would often go to the bookstore or library and just browse around....time ceased to exist, there was so much to explore. Our house runneth over with books as a result.
My three children all have a love of reading.....my daughters AND my son. I believe this is not a fluke.
No material gift you can give your child can ever compare.

Excuses

“They don’t want to be with us, they would much rather be with their friends.”
How many times have we all heard this? Yes, sometimes of course it is true. And being with friends is important no doubt there.
But other times i believe it is an excuse.
This statement lets parents off the hook......allows them to be self indulgent without the guilt. A justification for their own pursuits.
Yes, it takes time and energy to be a good parent. To create a family with bonds. And it is often the much easier to make the above statement. and walk away.
A friend once told me how whenever they went out to dinner as a family, her daughter and son would bicker away, then her husband would get involved and how it just wasn’t worth it to continue to try. So they didn’t.
Another told me the story of her neighbors who have never taken their kids on one of their countless vacations. Much easier not to they tell her.
Many of these same people then try to compensate by buying their kids “things.” Do they really think that things make up for not being together?
It takes time to build a family.
The foundation takes love and care and sometimes tears yet yields so much joy.
And it grows from its foundation, until a special bond is forged - a safety net - made up of people who love you unconditionally and who have the same experiences as you. Experiences that only you uniquely have together. A special dynamic that is yours and carries you through when you have rough times. Take the “time.”
Take the time......
It is SO worth it!

Listen

It is priceless time. You are driving your son or daughter to an activity. You are captive, together in a small space. In the old days, before cell phones, you could either
A) talk
B) look out the window
C) sing
Few options. I remember driving my kids around.....great conversations took place. Sometimes it was me and the kids. Or sometimes just listening to the kids.
It is during one of these rides that i first learned my young daughter could sing, belting out a Toni Braxton song in the far back, hitting the intricate notes perfectly on key. Hearing things in the music i couldn’t begin to hear. Another time i learned about some major bullying going on and another of a certain boy my daughter had a crush on. Countless conversations, important information that I would have missed had i spent all of these drives gabbing on my cell phone. I tell my kids not to talk on the phone while driving. How can i not do the same if i expect them to?
Driving is serious business. You hear it said that in a way a car is a weapon. When we are driving, shouldn’t we be....hmmm.......driving? What makes us all think we can take our eyes off the road. All it takes is a split second and lives are forever changed. We all know the statistics, yet do it anyway. I myself am guilty - i have bluetooth, and while at least i have both hands on the wheel, there are still no guarantees.
And then there is texting....don’t even get me started. No, no and NEVER should a person text while driving.
But back to the point. Next time in the car with your kids, put your phone away. Have them put their phones away.
And just talk.

Family Vacation

It is spring break. We are at a fabulous tropical resort......balmy breeze, watching another beautiful sunset into the ocean, as we wait for dinner.
Families are all emerging, freshly showered after another lazy day at the beach.
The little boys were all dressed the same. khaki shorts, light blue button downs, belts and smoothed combed hair. The little girls, equally as groomed, precious in their blue and white striped seersucker dresses and mary janes, adorable hair combed to the side complete with a matching bow. If that weren’t enough, the Dad then walks by dressed identically to the little boys. So beautiful, all heads turned. The mom in coordinating color as well. The picture perfect family. Photos were taken - a snapshot of time to be remembered and treasured.
Oh those sweet days.....all parents can relate.
After the photos were completed, the children were then handed over to the sitter and the parents went their separate way - AGAIN. In fact, this was about the only time we actually saw the family all together. We saw a lot of the parents, just not with their children. The childcare seemed to be the most bustling place at the resort, and it looked excellent i might add, the sitters always appeared to be engaged with the children.
I am not saying a break now and then on a family vacation isn’t perhaps sometimes needed. But the key word is FAMILY vacation.
Something to think about.

Balance

We as a family have come off of an incredibly exciting couple of weeks. Our high school daughter was the lead in her school musical. And then two weeks later out middle school son was the lead in his. To call this a blessing is a huge understatement. And this is the second year in a row that this has happened!
These are our favorite weekends - special beyond words.....no plans except to see the plays, share these moments with out family and friends. The letdown when both musicals were over was huge. Time slows in a way, yet is over much to fast.
So yes, i guess one would say our children are achievers despite the fact that they have grown up differently than many of their friends. . They get good grades, play sports and are musical as well, and i am guessing they must be talented beyond just my prejudiced mom thoughts as is evidenced by the roles they both achieved.
We believe there are alternate ways to empower our children other than endless lessons and overscheduling. Our children have activities. But they also have downtime, family time and a limit on their screen time. We still play board games, go on family outings and as you know, have frequent family dinners. Not as often as we used to, of course, but these rituals are still part of our fabric. Balance. Space to allow them to fall and learn and grow. To just “be” and not have every moment scheduled.
My husband and i have taken this “job” of rearing our children seriously. We have given our family the gift of time, both quantity AND quality.
It is really amazing and gratifying to see these seeds we have planted sprout and grow.....when children are little, you have no idea where these seeds you have planted and cultivated will lead your children. It is awesome to experience this now as they get older.
Enjoy!

Slow Down

I often feel like an alien.
I believe hugely in downtime, family time including meals together most nights. My kids have not grown up with cable TV(gasp, right?), their phones are left in our mudroom when they walk in the door and thus they actually make and receive calls on our landline. They spend a lot of time outside and we often still take family walks around the block. Screen time is limited...all are avid readers as a result. I am also a huge believer in being healthy and that includes sleep and lots of it! However, I also believe in them getting good grades, being involved in activities and sports as well as in our temple. Yes of course there are times where they have homework overload - or an extracurricular activity takes over for a time. The key for us is BALANCE. And for the most part, i feel we have achieved just that.
My husband and i went to a showing last week of a film called Race To Nowhere. To say it was powerful and quite disturbing, would be an understatement. While watching the film, i turned to my husband and said, I am not an alien.
If you have not heard of it, it is a documentary about our country’s children....the stress they are under to get into colleges, how over scheduled between constant homework and activities. No downtime or time just to play and be creative. Most are involved in sports, community service, music in some form while at the same time, are expected to maintain perfect grades. . It is often not enough to excel in just one area. What often begins as an interest becomes a barrage of lessons so the child can be the “best.” These interests are then no longer enjoyable. The film exhibits interview of parents, teachers and kids.....raw honest and compelling.
I urge you to see this movie, share it with your friends and live it in your own home. Let’s allow our children to be children and not burn them out before they reach adulthood.

Travel!!!

My children are 3, 7 and 9. We are traveling to Banff, Canada....a place a great distance from our mid-western home and one many with young children would never even attempt. Was it a long travel? Yes! Did everything go smoothly? Of course there were some bumps along the way. However, this and our many other travels have taught my children priceless life lessons....not only about the many wonderful places there are in this big beautiful world, different cultures, different languages, foods and more. There are other lessons just as important, such as patience, flexibility and that the hassle of travel is the price one pays sometimes for the amazing experiences and memories that we have amassed. A small price they have all concluded. Learning how to deal when things occur that they cannot control....a life lesson we can all use!
Travel does not always have to be to far away places. There are many places within driving distance or in your own backyard. Take the kids to the art museum. musicals, zoos, concerts, exhibits, restaurants, sporting events, movies, ice skating, bowling or whatever. The point is to just take them places - expose them to the many arts, to dining out, to your cities attractions and activities. Our children learned at a very young age how to act in each of these various venues. How many times have we all heard parents say they cant take their children anywhere as they always misbehave? How any times have we witnessed this? Yet if parents never take their children anywhere, how will they ever learn how to act in public?
These experiences are each a treasured pieces of the fabric that bind us as a family. Each adventure has generated numerous discussions......
for instance a certain combination dancing and musical act, none of us really wild about it, yet all could appreciate the “art” aspect of it and that art is subjective, right? After all, that’s what makes it art, right?
So turn off the electronics and explore all this world has to offer.....and enjoy!

Trust Yourself

When i gave birth to my first baby, i fell in complete and total love, so gigantic, it felt like my heart would burst. I cried with emotion every time i looked at her sweet peaceful face. The sheer depth of this love was indescribable really, a miracle i couldn’t fathom until i experienced it myself. The world became a different place and no one can tell you what it feels like. But when it happens, you FINALLY get it. You are a member of a new club in a way. Every mom out there is nodding right now - no need to say more.
The camaraderie of other moms going through this same experience is priceless and much needed, yet I, for one, would never ever trade the isolation that being the mother of a newborn incites.
Now granted, there weren’t computers in the early nineties when i had my first precious baby. And for that, i am thankful. If i had a question or concern i either
A) picked up one of my many parenting books.
B) called a friend or my mom. Or...
C) called the doctor.
Sharing every waking second of my baby’s early days, i feel, would have taken tremendous time away from this life-changing experience. I remember feeling almost cocooned, removed from the outside world and thrown into a whole new realm, totally foreign to my being......It felt scary and exciting. Being completely responsible for the care and protection of this small, helpless human being was daunting. I had no idea what i was doing. I didn’t even know how to change a diaper. It was certainly different from changing one on the doll in the Baby 101 class my husband and i enrolled in......the little legs certainly weren’t kicking wildly on the doll!
Was it isolating? Yes to a degree. Did the days sometimes feel long? Of course. But what is wrong with that??
I was forced to learn as i went, make errors and often overprotective decisions that i now laugh at, but in doing so, i gained my own sense of competence and a confidence and trust in myself were evident. I CAN do this! When i emerged (it felt like an emergence ) from this incredible period of time, it felt like a rite of passage. I was now somebody’s mommy, the most important and humbling role i could ever imagine or dream of.
Some feel that they have to “share” every minute detail, from bowel movements to every facet of how their breast feel. Just look at the internet and it is all there and much more. Yet, precious moments are often missed or not fully experienced while this over sharing takes place.
Yes, we live in a time of constant connection, overload in many ways, and the pull of that keyboard is hard to ignore for many.
But that peaceful blissful time with a newborn is a true gift, not to be taken for granted as it passes in the blink of an eye
So just try turning off the electronics.......and fully and completely experience this irreplaceable special time.
Trust me.....it goes by quickly!

My Music

My daughter is in her room, her beautiful voice lifting as she belts out one of her favorite songs.
My son is strumming his guitar, his voice rising above the notes as he tries to master the difficult task of singing while playing.
I pause, listen........ and smile.
Yet, as much as this fills me, and believe me, it does fill me, there is another kind of music that is my treasure as much if not more.
It is morning.......
My oldest daughter’s footsteps stomp across the hardwood floor. the light switch flicking on. my husbands keys jingling. the toilet flushing. running water. teeth being brushed. more stomping. squeaky closet doors opening. one child skips down the stairs. one shuffles. one drags. cereal bowls hit the counter. the swoosh of milk being poured. dishes clanking into the dishwasher (this only happens sometimes.)
The happy sounds of our morning.... everyday sounds but oh so precious.
i pause and listen.....and smile.
The sounds of our life together.
My music.

Let Them Be

My dear friend told me a story recently . Her daughter took her best friend to play golf one summer day. The best friend had never picked up a golf club in her life, but enjoyed playing that day, even though she was not versed in the game. The next thing my friend heard , the girl was taking lessons daily, at some far away place as there were not a lot of public golf courses where they lived. Suddenly a fun activity was no longer for fun but a flurry of private lessons and tournaments. This girl had also at various points in her young life had the same experience with swimming, soccer, basketball, guitar, piano and volleyball.......each of these activities eventually abandoned for her next “talent. ”
When did it become, that a chid shows an interest or a liking for a sport or activity and suddenly it goes from enjoyment to obsession? What happened to just allowing our children to do something because it is plain fun? The sheer joy that so many of us felt as children has been stripped from this generation by parents so eager for their child to be the “best” at whatever it is they may show the least bit of inclination.
Another friend’s son played on a baseball team. All of the kids were about the same level of play. But there was one boy who was not. And did he hear it from his dad who stood glued to the fence, berating his son at every moment. Telling him how to stand, when to swing. How could anyone concentrate under those circumstances? It was painful to witness the verbal assault on this poor child who was clearly trying, but could never measure up to the dad’s clearly unrealized dream. The boy’s slumped posture and lack of eye contact spoke volumes. And then there was another boy on the team who was amazing. But if he made an error, again the wrath of his father was something to be seen, often reducing this otherwise tough chid to tears on the field.
As many of you know, the characters may vary but the story remains the same....day in and day out.
Don’t misunderstand this message, keeping children engaged and interested in extracurricular activities is imperative in their social development, also keeping them busy and engaged thus limiting the time to be involved in negative behaviors.
But the truth of the matter is - most of our kids are average and aren’t going to be the next Babe Ruth. And that is okay.
We as parents need to accept and embrace our children, loving them for who they are not for who we wish them to be. And yes, sometimes a push IS necessary to help a child realize their potential. But keep in mind, there is a point where encouragement and support turns into obsession.
Can we allow our kids the freedom to experience their sports and activities for pleasure and enjoyment? Allow them the discovery of their true passions and talents that lie within, without invoking our own agendas on them? Allow them to take the lead when taking a talent to the next level?

My Daughter's Last First Day

I wake up….a new school year begins just as it always has.
But this day is different……
It is my daughters last first day.
All her other first days flash through my sleep deprived mind. Her first first day, of preschool….I take their picture outside in our backyard. I watch as she so proudly walks away from me, with her shiny new pink backpack, holding hands with her big sister, climbing the staircase into the school building. They look back, smile and wave to me as I sit in my car, tears streaming down my face. My big little girl, on her first first day.
Fast forward to her first day of kindergarten. so proud now to be at the “big Kid” school. She again enters with her older sister holding her hand. So happy, so sweet so little. Yet bigger.
Many other firsts have followed. Yet these firsts, though difficult, are somehow okay as there are many more first days to come. Such a sweet security in that simple knowledge. The years fall into a beautiful routine. Lazy summers followed by what seemed to be endless first days.
I return to the present……gazing at my beautiful girl, now a senior in high school, so confident, still wearing pink all these years later, humoring me as I take a picture in the same spot outside in our backyard as I have on all of her previous first days. I ask if I can walk her down the driveway, holding her hand. She nods in quiet understanding. She gets in her car, and pulls away with a smile.
My little big girl…….on her last first day.

The Dinner Table

My middle school aged son gets in the car at the end of the day. After a quick hello and update of the day’s happenings, the dialogue is always the same two exact questions, “What are we having for dinner?” followed immediately by, “Is everyone home tonight?” Simple questions at face value...... but really so much more.
Most nights, the answer is yes, we do sit down and eat as a family. In between sporting events, play practices, dance, singing, homework, work, meetings or whatever commitments keep us running in different directions, we eat together. And most nights my answer consists of a meal, both organic and yummy. His smile exhibits his approval. But we do our favorite carryout sometimes (CPK) , and other times dinner is just the very handy and always easy pasta and marinara sauce.
But what we all count on is that whether we have to eat early or late ....it doesn’t matter. We consistently sit down TOGETHER and the outside world is put at bay at least for this brief moment . I dim the lights, light candles, in the winter the fire makes us feel cozy and in the warmer months the huge windows that surround us are opened and fresh air breezes through the room. No electronics allowed with the exception of soft, smooth jazz music that we have playing most evenings. Why not make it feel special with these easy touches?
Our nightly ritual is everyone sharing their HIGH/Low of the day. Everyone has a voice, we feel connected....... feeding our bodies as well as our minds. My children cherish the safety of this ritual as much as i do.
Sunday night, which seems to now be our least busy night, has turned into CookingNight, a tradition we have all come to treasure. We choose several amazing meals from Cooking Light Magazine, which i also call my bible. The recipes are delicious AND healthy. When the kids were small, my husband and i did most of the work..... the recipe selection, the prep, the cooking. But as the kids have grown, so have the tasks they take on. But even small people can grate parmesan cheese or frost a cupcake. Now, there is really no task they cannot do. However, perhaps most importantly, they have all learned the beauty of taking fresh ingredients and creating and savoring an incredible meal from scratch. The amount of prep and work involved in this endeavor make the meal that much more special. AND there is nothing more satisfying then when we all sit down to “our” meal. And our comment is (almost) aways the same - our meals are outstanding - restaurant quality and sometimes better. On our Cooking Nights , we have finally gotten smart, and now prep meals for at least three nights for when the craziness of the week once again begins. Usually we trade off who picks the meals, and that designated person is in charge of assigning tasks to everyone. Sometimes this is not always smooth, but that too is part of the experience. And it is so much fun to watch how the kids are not intimidated by any recipe.
Research shows the family meal is a lost art. Families are too over scheduled with activities and running in too many directions. Fast food is often the norm, eaten much of the time on the go. And even when families are home, they eat in front of the TV or off on their own. Research also shows, that those kids who DO sit down to family dinners are less likely to abuse alcohol and drugs.
Now why do you think that is?
Perhaps sit down at The Dinner Table, sideline the electronics, talk with your kids, and see what happens. It won’t always be smooth, and bad moods sometimes override good intentions. But plow through it. It’s so worth it ........It is perfect in it’s imperfection.....The Dinner Table.

Together

We went to a concert yesterday on a snowy Sunday afternoon - Idina Menzel singing with our symphony. And by “we” i mean my husband and our teenage children. And “we” do things like this frequently. The concert was amazing and experiencing it together, made it even more so..... as it always does. We have always taken our kids with us, to experience various art forms, from the time they were very little. And even when we have not necessarily loved what we have seen, the discussions after about art being subjective etc are priceless.
As we exited the concert, we ran into one of my dear friends. She was with another friend. She looked at us and said how wonderful it was that we all went together as a family. She has said this to us before. I remember one time in particular when we were out taking a walk as a family, something we do VERY often and always have. Again, the surprised look with the same remark - we were an oddity.
I recall a Saturday, when we were out running errands as a family. We do that often, when things are hectic and yet we need some together time. So we are productive AND together. It makes the mundane tasks a lot more fun. On this one day, we ran into a friend, who also has 3 children. She was by herself, and looking quite shocked, commented on how she couldn’t believe “we“ were all together running errands, as a family. The comment was made, the astonishment noted, not intentional or mean spirited. Again, we were clearly perceived as an oddity.
I have to ask, when did the family unit become an oddity?? We have always taken our kids as much as possible, both in town and when we travel. We are bound together by these shared experiences, our relationships are strong. My children genuinely like each other and cherish each other. They are comfortable in their own skin and know that home is a safe place if they need time away from the business of the outside world. Are they and we with our friends as well? Of course! And that too is cherished time.
But we do still have family time, and make it a priority, even as they have grown older and time together is more of a commodity.
Having kids is a responsibility we take seriously. It is our job to expose them to all this great big world has to offer. And I want to be the one to expose them!
As they spread their wings, it is awesome to watch how these seeds we have planted, have sprouted and grown. I feel humbled and so incredibly grateful.
Yet as they make their way out in the world, these ties have bound us and we all know we are still a family unit,......even thought the ”we“ time is less frequent, it still exists..
What a gift for all of us!